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Study #6: The Dorito Taco

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 17:36:00 -0500

Hypotheses:
The Dorito Taco should have been on the menu years ago.

Procedure:
Location: 500 West Madison St, Chicago IL
Analysts: Skittles, Grape Sauce, Beef Wellington, Spaghetti Vacuum
Transportation: Nike Air Pegasus 92, Diesel Black, Zuriick Nico, Zuriick Nico
Location of Experiment: In situ

Materials:
20 Dorito tacos
1 bean burrito
1 volcano taco
1 regular hard shell supreme
1 soft shell fresco taco
1 mexican pizza
1 chilli cheese burrito
1 99 cent nacho
2 raspberry iced teas
1 diet coke
1 baja blast
10 fire sauce
10 salsa verde

Soundtrack:
Rick James - Give it to me baby

Suggested Wine Pairing:
Berringer Blush White Zinfandel

Hype:
Lots. Countless emails, tweets, and instagrams hyping up the awesomeness of the Dorito Taco. Not to mention the idea of a “Dorito Taco” being a topic of filthy commoner brainstorms on the regular.

Results:
The gang took to the street on an abnormally warm spring day. Spaghetti Vacuum joined us because of his bottomless wealth of Taco Bell knowledge. After building up a deep hunger on the walk over the crew descended upon the yuppiest foodcourt known to mankind in the Ogilvy center. And it was glorious. Service with a smile. Conversation at the counter even! How WAS my day? Awesome now that you seem to care and will be making us Dorito Tacos. Even extra syrupy raspberry iced tea. The world was our oyster and we ordered 18 Dorito Tacos to get a feel for the cuisine. The only slip-up of the meal was that one of Skittle’s Dorito Tacos turned out to be a Dorito wrapper with a regular taco supreme instead of a Dorito-shelled taco. Overlooked because of the prompt service and general good mood of the group. Grapesauce devoured his meal. Skittles commented on the quality of the lettuce in the foodcourt. Apparently the caliber of patron in the Ogilvy Center demands higher standard in iceburg. Much appreciated and noted. After the Dorito dust settled the crew took to sluggish conversation. Beef Wellington went back up to get 2 additional Dorito tacos for himself and Skittles. A true move of friendship. The team continued to devour the rest of their control-substance orders in order to evaluate how the Dorito taco stacks up against the rest of the menu.

Conclusion:
The Dorito Taco was good. In fact quite special. We’ve proved our hypothesis right that it should have been on the menu years ago when Doritos were just ascending to popularity. Taco Bell and Doritos should be toasting champage to 10 years of friendship and instead they’re just starting to sleep together. We’re quietly excited but a bit disappointed that we’re not eating the full spectrum of Dorito flavors as Taco shelled goodness.

Tips:
Politely ask the Taco Bell employees to use the Dorito shell in other concoctions. One internet fan got a Dorito taco chalupa. We’re incredibly jealous and will definitely go back and try the same. A 1 fingered FC salute to the Dorito chalupa mash-up customer.

Final Rating:

A 4 burger experience because of all the great elements discussed and the fact that we saw a 1-legged man in the wheelchair eating Taco Bell. There was also a free children’s art show in the lobby of the foodcourt that was the perfect dessert to our Dorito Taco adventure.

Opinion #1: The King's Throne

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 16:04:00 -0500

There seems to be a general consensus among bloggers and the public that The King (mascot for Burger King) was “creepy and for teens” and that the direction Burger King’s brand will be headed in without the king will be much better.

Let us re-iterate that here at the Filthy Commoner we like to take a positive outlook on fast-food dining. That being said we are still entitled to our opinions.

“Freshness?” Are you fucking kidding me? The California Whopper? We’re sad to see The King go (which we’ll get to in a minute) but lets get this cat out of the bag: THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE ANYTHING FRESH ABOUT SCIENCE LAB GUACAMOLE ON A FAST FOOD HAMBURGER. People don’t eat fast food for freshness. If you want freshness you grab a side salad at Wendy’s or maybe a McSalad shaker. Tricking yourself into thinking a grease-laden succulent whopper with petri dish guacamole is going to cure your thirst for something “fresh” is absolute horse-shit. This isn’t Subway people, this is Burger King. Known for deliciously quick burgers that do the trick after work when you don’t have the energy to grille your own because you worked a 12 hour day and can barely lift a finger. Hell, eat your chicken fries in the car and take a nap. This is not a situation lacking in freshness. It is a situation that is 100% void of it. Everyone has the freedom of choice and every now and then you need a flame-broiled American Whopper to say “fuck you” to freshness.

Not only is this “freshness” direction a horse-shit idea but it’s not a new idea at all. We’re watching plenty of other chains jump on the fresh/healthy bandwagon lately and it’s beginning to piss us off. You want fresh? Go to Whole Foods and get a $10/lb salad at the salad bar. Get Guacamole on a burger at fudruckers or Chillis. It’s good, trust us. Burger King is pretty much the last player to the table in this game of health-food poker catch-up. Not only will it be tired messaging for people used to their flame-broiled Whopper handed to them by the king, but it will be totally forgettable. The last thing every American wants is another advertising campaign reminding them that they’re fat as hell and out of shape so their establishment is switching to freshness. No no no no. That’s what the fucking gym is for. Fast food is a treat. Like the ice cream parlor. Enjoy within moderation. A flame-broiled whopper a few times a month never hurt anyone. Yes we can dial it back but “freshness” and “guacamole” are a little abrupt.

That’s enough about freshness. Now on to more important matters - the insensitive de-throning of The King. HE DID FUCKING BREAKFAST COMMERCIALS. Are you kidding me Burger King Corporate? This guy was bending the fuck over backwards for you guys and you dropped him to jump to the bottom of the freshness totem pole? Not even a ceremony or a retired cape hung in the rafters! Wooosh! No more King. And then all these hyper-blog-fuck-moms blogging about how the King was creepy and they’re excited for freshness. These bitches don’t even eat Burger King nor will they hit even the drive-through for a Heart-a-Guac-Attack wrapped in a freshness wrapper. The cancellation of the king was crazy insensitive. In 2003 when Burger King was struggling the King pulled them out of a funk and brought that brand back to its roots with some eerily truthful subliminal messaging. The king was honest. He had the best flame-broiled burger around because he’s the motherfucking King but now he wanted to crusade and share it with everyone. HOW’S THAT FOR A BRAND STORY FRESHNESS? Go fuck yourself with a bag of carrots. The King was the man. He was creepy just as fast food was and always will be. He was eerily quick to be near you and had a plastic face. Fast food is spookily fast to be in your hands and shares a lot of synthetic qualities with lab-tests. The honesty and humor here created a whirl-wind of natural emotions that put a positive twist on fast-food at an all-time new level. It wrapped tradition in a layer of gold and said “let’s get em boys.” The King was a genius marketing move and a true friend to the Filthy Commoner.

Now that our cat’s out of it’s greasy bag we hope to hear more stories about the disappointment and eventual failure of the “Freshness Guac Whopper” campaign. We’re going to pour out some orange Hi-C in honor of The King at eat a real flame-broiled Whopper. No Guac. And if I see anyone smiling while eating a California Whopper so help me God I’ll punch it down your throat and piss Hi-C in your face.

Sincerely,

Skittles (with the oversight and guidance of Beef and G-Sauce)

Study #5: World's Greatest Hamburger

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 16:10:00 -0500

Hypothesis
Fuddruckers* is the worlds greatest hamburger

Location
16065 West Bluemound, Brookfield, WI 53005, In Situ

Analyst
Bief Wellington, Grape Sauce, Skittles

Transportation
Automobile (silver bullet)

Materials
1 1/3 lb patty hamburger, temperature medium
Caseus Liquidus (Nacho Cheese Sauce)
Mayonnaise
Banana peppers
tomato slices
3 MGDs

Notes
To be the greatest hamburger in the world, the specimen must withstand an onslaught of highly viscous condiments from around the world. The specimen was saturated with nacho cheese and mayonnaise. Banana peppers and tomatoes were added because personal taste and will not affect the outcome this experiment.

Results
The fixings in this session required advanced and accurate eating techniques. The structure of the hamburger, alternating layers of hot and cold, makes the sandwich highly unstable and susceptible to condiment fallout. Because of the tomato, mayo, and nacho cheese, the coefficient of friction between bun and beef patty was reduced by 50%, almost guaranteeing fallout. In addition, the liquid nature of the toppings and juicy beef patty, soaked and destabilized the bun. The ‘baby bird’ approach** was used for this sandwich and resulted in a near perfect session. Most toppings were contained between the buns and an acceptable ratio of burger to bun was present in each bite.

Final Rating

The burger survived the nacho cheese and mayo double attack, and Fuddrucker’s claim of “World’s Greatest Hamburger” is in fact true and netted a 4 star FC experience.

* Let it be known that it was with significant debate that Filthy Commoner was allowed to dine at Fudruckers. Though not within our normal criteria of dining rules Fudruckers was chosen under extreme extenuating circumstance: to celebrate the birth of America on July the Fourth, 2011.

** Baby Bird technique - Hold the sandwich like one would hold a baby bird: not too hard to crush it but not too soft to let it fly away.

Study #4: Chick-Fil-A Last Supper

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 17:30:00 -0500

Hypotheses:
Eating at Chick-Fil-A the day of the rapture will prevent the rapture.

Procedure:
Location: 4435 Fox Valley Center Drive, Aurora IL
Analysts: Skittles, Grape Sauce, Beef Wellington
Transportation: Skittles 2.0L Beeftec N/A
Location of Experiment: In situ

Materials:
1 Chicken Sandwich with waffle fries
1 Spicy Chicken Sandwich with waffle fries
~~1 Sausage Breakfast Sandwich~~
2 orders of waffle fries
3 Chick-Fil-A Classic Lemonades

Soundtrack:
Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever

Suggested Wine Pairing:
2009 Hogue Vineyards Late Harvest Riesling

Results:
Filthy Commoner crew decided to go big and honor Harold Camping’s rapture hype with a trip to the top of the fast food religion pyramid: Chick-Fil-A. Despite research yielding a down-town Chicago location in the works (write-up on the way) our FC crew scrambled for a trip to beautiful Aurora, IL, the city of lights, and a stand-alone impeccably clean Chick-Fil-A. From the get-go Beef Wellington was skeptical and tried to talk the crew out of the trip to the suburbs for a chicken-centric meal. He attempted to order off of the breakfast menu out of season but was denied softly but the frail yet charming teenage help. Skittles and Grapesauce held strong despite impending rapture (order for spicy chicken and regular chicken sandwiches placed at 4:21pm and 4:22pm on May 21) and put together a meal fit for kings. The succulent chicken and fresh waffle fries may have tasted better because of the long drive. Beef Wellington even cracked a smile about his 2 orders of newfound FC favorite: waffle fries. The crew unanimously ordered classic lemonades due to a 90+ degree temperature.

Conclusion:
Eating Chick-Fil-A did in fact prevent the rapture. We were on our best behavior and had a top-shelf fast food dining experience. Beef Wellington even mentioned feeling a supernatural “presence” as we walked near the 3 lane suburban drive-through.

Tips:
If you like ketchup bring your own. They have good ketchup but the serving size is individual packets. A strange touch for a classy joint. Also they’re closed on Sunday’s so stock up on spicy chicken sandwiches on Saturday.

Final Rating:

We vowed to never give out a 5 burger rating unless the circumstances were just so. We evaded the impending rapture by humbly dining at Chick-Fil-A. Simple gesture with big pay-off. We do wish Beef Wellington would’ve eaten some of the soul-cleansing chicken because Skittles car, “Skittles 2.0L Beeftec N/A,” broke down on the dusty trail home. Lucky for the crew it was just stuck in 2nd gear so we cruised home with the windows down and reflected on ourselves, our dreams, and our pleasantly grumbly bellies full of waffle fries at a safe speed of 25 - 27 mph.

Historic Context #1: Panda Express - From Train to Chain

Tue, 24 May 2011 14:16:00 -0500

Scouting reports from China indicate that Panda Express could be returning to it’s home in the Orient. We here at Filthy Commoner would like tell the story of how the Panda Express we know today came into being. This is part one of the Panda Express Story.

United States. 1980. A fluctuating GDP. The most significant and severe economic policy of the post World War II recessions. And a sole proprietor of China’s largest locomotive business who put a swift halt to the recession of the 1980s with a recipe that changed everything.

Born in Little, China, Sensei “Data” Tso worked as a poultry farmer and experimental chicken cook during the Kentucky Fried Livestock Boom of the early sixties. His passion for steel track engineering had earned him a degree in Locomotive Conduction. Working his way from Sensei to General in the train business, him and long-time friend Wan “Sweet & Sour” Li decided to buy their first steam locomotive.

This first train, known to the locals as the Orient Express, ran passengers and live poultry from Little, China to Fazoli, Italy. While European locals took full advantage of the Orient Express’ ability to transport passengers, a high ranking Kentucky Colonel had already began peddling savory chicken throughout the Western European market. By the late seventies the Orient Express was forced to scale back poultry shipments, dealing primarily in passenger transport. While the poultry market was booming in the European and Asian markets, America’s economy took substantial losses.

With the Colonel’s culinary forces tied up in Western Europe, an economic depression set in on America. Several pro-economic poultry operations such as Charles A. Filet’s ”Eat More Chikin” campaign were already in motion. But it was General Tso and Sweet & Sour Li who had the recipe for economic boom. Tso began setting up several “Little, China” outposts in America’s largest metropolitan areas. These outposts would serve as the basis for America’s most successful above-water train endeavor. The Panda Express. All that was missing now was The Recipe.

As the situation in China heats up, Filthy Commoner will dig through the archives to bring you part II of the Panda Express story.

Study #3: Chill 'N' Grill

Mon, 16 May 2011 23:10:00 -0500

Hypotheses:
Grille will compliment Chill.

Procedure:
Location: 436 S. Wabash Avenue, Chicago IL
Analysts: Skittles, Grape Sauce, Beef Wellington
Transportation: CTA Green Line, CTA Pink Line, Converse, Skechers, Puma
Location of Experiment: In situ

Materials:
1 Chilli Dog
1 Chicken Finger Basket with fries (Ranch)
1 Chicken Finger Basket with fries (BBQ Sauce)
1 Strawberry Kiwi Mr. Misty Slush
1 Coca Cola
1 Water

Soundtrack:
Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You)

Results:
Over-ambitious mixing of the Chill (Misty Slush) and Grill (fresh white meat chicken tenders) by Skittles resulted in a mixed temperature brain freeze sensation. Beef Wellington avoided the Chill scenario altogether and focused on dissecting the chili atop his hot-dog. Grape Sauce happily balanced both Grill and Chill by ordering the always dependable Coca-Cola with his chicken, fries, and toast.

Conclusion:
Be careful at the Chill ‘N’ Grill. Fast food fusion is reaching new heights with the advent of chilled and grilled products harmonizing on menu’s across the United States. Chill with restraint. Ultimately the chill was a great compliment to the grill. Who doesn’t love a Kiwi Mr. Misty Slush with chicken on a 90 degree day?

Tips:
Be patient when waiting for a seat after ordering your meal. It’s worth it to dine in here. Flat screen televisions galore and real cloth napkins. And real ketchup bottles! We also nearly had a 5 burger experience. Someone at a table next to us was hard-core nerding out about “wizards, dragons, battles, swords, gnomes, elves, and woodland creatures.” Grill ‘N’ Chilling to a passionate display of Nerddom would’ve left FC staff in a zen moment. But really - dine in. You’ll thank us later.

Final Rating:

Tasty chicken, great beef chili, and real napkins and ketchup. Staff was under a lot of pressure with this being a test-location but handled the situation professionally.

Study #2: The Taco Fracture

Tue, 03 May 2011 16:41:00 -0500

Hypotheses:
Tacobell is real beef.

Procedure:
Location: 500 W Madison, Chicago IL
Analysts: Skittles, Grape Sauce, Beef Wellington, Filthy Commoner in Training #1, Filthy Commoner in Training #2
Transportation: Ambulation
Location of Experiment: In situ

Materials:
1 Double Decker Taco Supreme
3 Taco Supremes
1 Chili Cheese burrito
1 Crunch wrap supreme
1 Cherry Limeade
1 Diet Coke
1 Raspberry Iced Tea

Results:
Protein mass spectrometry identified massive amounts of protease and trypsin, both building blocks of beef. Skittles and Grape Sauce experienced the onset of kidney failure, a common side effect of concentrated amounts of protein in the bloodstream. Kidney failure was quickly thwarted with a few sips of the new classic limeade sparkler.

Conclusion:
We ate beef and it was delicious. Technical analysis and physiological effects lead us to believe we ingested a new species of cow, engineered by the Yum Brands. These cows produce ‘seasoned’ beef; concentrated meat with taco flavour built right in. Thats still 100% beef in our book, shame on the people who accuse Taco bell of serving anything but. In addition to our meal, the TB associates were all peacocking with matching sombreros. We all agreed that was a real nice touch and made them stand out in the highly competitive food court.

Tips:
Skittles enlightened us to an off the menu item, the Chili Cheese burrito. Just ask and the wonderful people there will make one for you. Grape Sauce recommends changing your crunchy taco supremes to double decker taco supremes. You still get the crunch but avoid dreaded taco fracture. The engineers at TB are still working on hard shell taco fatigue. If you haven’t been to a taco bell in a while, consider adding a few more tacos to your regular order. You’ll need them since they have added two new sauces, fire roasted tomato and salsa verde.

Final Rating:

Real beef, new sauces, Raspberry Iced Tea, and sombreros. Enough said. 4 out of 5 cheeseburgers.

Study #1: Portion Control & Variety

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 12:28:00 -0500

Hypothesis:
White Castle will be delicious.

Procedure:
Location: 2348 W. Roosevelt Rd., Chicago, IL
Analysts: Skittles, Beef Wellington, Grape Sauce
Transportation: Grape Sauce Turbo
Location of Consumption: Casa Wellington
Subject: White Castle
Total Price: $16.97
Actual Meal Value: $27.97
Estimated Calories: N/A
Top Note: Onions
Estimated Time of Consumption: 17 Minutes for Solids
Estimated Digestion Time: 16 Hours
Control: McDonalds Hamburger
Suggested Wine Pairing for Beef Sliders: MD 20/20 Banana Red
Suggested Wine Pairing for Chicken Ring Sliders: MD 20/20 Kiwi Lemon

Results:
Favorite Item: Chicken Ring Slider
Least Favorite Item: N/A

Conclusion:
Hypothesis was correct - White Castle was delicious. The FC Team was a bit overwhelmed mid-order as we had all committed to trying a few new things on the menu. The digital ordering screen and helpful White Castle tenant secured a smorgasbord of slider-sized treats for the team with trusted advice and generosity. Minimal wait time and piping fresh sliders.

Tips:
Try to go off the menu, or at least order a variety of slider types. The all-knowing White Castle staff will correct and/or improve your order and experience.

Final Rating:

3 out of 5 Cheeseburgers. Good. Great value and variety. We also un-covered an un-turned stone on White Castle’s menu: The Chicken Ring Slider.